PARADOX DER EMANZIPATION

[written 1980 when I was 28]

VII.A.4 Meine zweite Satori und das Empfang Gottes von mir

Und dann geschah am Morgen des 11. Dezember 1980 Folgendes:

[ Bearbeiten Juni 2019: Rajneeshs 49. Geburtstag (7 x 7) • Bild anklicken! ]

Ich wurde mir bewusst, während ich noch „schlief“ – was eigentlich falsch ist, aber ich sah, dass ich schlief! – Und das ist ein sehr seltsames Gefühl. Für mich war es eine andere Erfahrung als der meditative Zustand, obwohl es ein meditativer Zustand ist. Das Paradoxe ist, dass ich irgendwie Zeuge wurde, dass ich schlief, mir bewusst war, dass ich schlief, und (Transzendenz) ich wurde Zeuge, dass ich mir bewusst war, dass ich schlief!

Und gleichzeitig wurde ich Zeuge all meiner Gedanken zum Thema „Moment“, „Zeit“ und „Unendlichkeit“. Und dann plötzlich (ich weiß nicht, wann es geschah: ob es im Schlaf war, beim Übergang vom Schlaf zum Wachzustand oder im Wachzustand. Aber wenn ich es SO beschreiben sollte, WIE ICH ES ERLEBT HABE, dann geschah es beim Verschmelzen dieser „DREI MOMENTE“):

Ich sah etwas, ich weiß nicht was, aber ich hatte das Gefühl, „es“ zu sehen. Es war kein helles Licht, wie ich es zuvor in meiner heftigen Samadhi-Erfahrung beschrieben habe.

[ edit june 2019: Folgendes wurde NICHT auf demselben Blatt Papier geschrieben ]

Ich habe auf der vorherigen Seite absichtlich nichts abgetippt, denn als ich beim letzten Tippen auf der Schreibmaschine war, ist etwas passiert, das ich jetzt zu beschreiben versuchen möchte und das ich gleichzeitig sowohl in Prosa als auch in unserer dualistischen Sprache nur sehr, sehr schwer ausdrücken kann.

Plötzlich weinte ich heftig. Ich konnte nicht mehr an der Schreibmaschine sitzen. Ich habe das schon einmal erlebt, aber es ändert nichts an der Intensität und Qualität des Erlebnisses und dem Gefühl, dass ich jetzt nichts anderes tun kann, als mich hinzugeben.

Tränen und Weinen brachen aus mir heraus, sehr heftig, und ich musste mich auf mein Bett legen. Aber es war kein normales Weinen, das mit Trauer über etwas Bestimmtes verbunden war. Es waren alle möglichen Emotionen gleichzeitig.

Es war, als würde mich etwas treffen, das nicht von dieser Welt ist und doch existiert, weil es erfahrbar ist. Ich weinte und weinte unentwegt, es wurde immer tiefer und ich versuchte einfach, es zu sein und es zu erleben. Ich hatte Angst, ich war glücklich, es zu spüren oder wie auch immer man es nennen mag. Eine Energie, die in mir brodelte. Etwas, das ich transzendent genannt habe. Ich war ängstlich und glücklich zugleich und rief Bhagwan mehrmals an, sowohl in Angst als auch in Glückseligkeit. Manchmal kamen Gedanken wie: „Wenn du jetzt völlig loslassen kannst, dann ist die Gelegenheit da, jetzt ist die Gelegenheit da“, aber ich konnte nicht mehr loslassen, aber es machte auch nichts, denn es war so schön, einfach nur da zu sein.

Gerade sitze ich da und weine, die Tränen laufen mir über die Wangen, und meine Finger finden hoffentlich die richtigen Tasten, denn ich sehe weder auf der Schreibmaschine noch auf dem Papier nur Tränen. Ich weiß nicht, was ich sagen soll. Das ist alles, was es dazu zu sagen gibt. Es ist so schön wie alles zusammen, was ich kenne. Es ist einfach da, ohne irgendetwas. So dankbar. Was kann man sonst noch sein, wenn man das Schönste erlebt, das selbst menschliche, irdische Liebe übersteigt.

I was again in my anxiety stemming from 6 ether mask anesthesia, that I got as three year old due due to middle ear inflammation, but this time it was like being just before death and at the same time being on the other side of death. I could feel that if I went or was transferred all the way over, then it would be beautiful and all the same. And even though I wasn't completely transferred, it was ok, but it was so beautiful to feel the contact with this confidence, security, unity and what do I know.

And then I think it's so beautiful to sit and write about it in the middle of the deepest philosophical considerations that a human being can make at all and experience. These two things fit so beautifully together. The highest form of thinking and the highest kind of experience and feeling. It's like the snake biting it's own tail, the light that finally sees itself after a long journey in an unknown world, where everything looks so incompatible. And then all of a sudden it's all in one single experience, and it is not even an experience, because the experience is no longer there. The experience, the light, the glimpse of the truth is there. And then it is the end, bliss disappears in its own contradiction or whatever to call it.

It must have been pretty much such an experience I had the other morning, and I'm so glad I've been able to articulate it in the hope of, that others can take part in, what I have seen and experienced. And if the reader has just got a little sense of what is in between the lines, it is beautiful, and if he or she does not have it, then it is also beautiful. Because there is nothing to understand ultimately, just being.

Not even a poem could express it, because poems also divide into one and the other. Since after the experience a few days ago I still could not formulate it in the theory, I ended up with that idea or thought that maybe the spiritual light is just the original form of energy, and it expresses itself in three levels and these are exactly the three levels that I continually came across. So the physical light was perhaps just the expression of the original light in the physical world, and that must be why nuclear physics is getting into troubles and unnecessary considerations of the speed of light, etc. Einstein may have been close - I haven't read Einstein - but he couldn't make it fit all pieces of his theroy together.

But it must be possible now with this theory of Epistemology. I have to be honest admitting, that I have the feeling of being given the gift, of being one of those, who contributes not only to The Only True Epistemology, but one that is given some intellectual gifts, which enables me to formulate it in an understandable language for the West, though it has been said by a thousand others before me. Mostly said by enlightened Masters and/or of their disciples.

It is a strange feeling sitting alone (no one else has read this yet) and feel that here is the truth at least in theory. Several thousand years philosophy, and then it should be given me that opportunity as a gift. I completely miss words. They should be wet with my tears, they should radiate a light with the colors of the rainbow, they should be felt and sensed with the same intensity, that I have just felt and still feel inside and outside of me. Or they should have the same poetry and music, that I know only from the mouth and heart of Bhagwan, from his being a personal representative of the highest attainable. I had the same the energy and feeling, when I almost disappeared, as I sat in front of him and "took sannyas," as we call it to become his disciple.

And now it is all over, it all disappeared in its own paradox, the paradox, that always was there to challenge man to paradoxically enough to find the solution through the paradox, etc., etc.

In the last three days since my real satori experience, it's just as if it's all gone so fast, that I haven't been there. It's like my whole existence has been at its highest optimal peak and at the same time it has been a gentle lullaby, a sweet music with ringing, words are poor, I wish I could write the most beautiful and paradoxical poem about the eternal love, that we all long for deep in our hearts.

And it is so beautiful, so beautiful. Now I understand why all enlightened humans have not been able to describe it in words. It's like the great luminous uterus of love just constantly stands ready to accommodate those who dare to see themselves even who dare to mirror themselves in the divine light, in the hell of death, i the darkest darkest darkness and the stormy highs and depths.

I do not know what I am typing, I just type, as my thoughts will, as it will, just let it happen, as it will, there are no problems anyway, because the problem was myself, my computer, etc.

I have often thought about the past two thousand years of suffering because of Christian power greedy priests.

I hardly dare to think how much it has meant to the whole Christian world that a few intentionally or unwillingly violated Jesus' statements, distorted them, cheated with the translation from Aramaic, etc. Inflicted millions the taboo about sex, death and the ego that was never there. Sex is the source of life. We are born of sex. Death is the death of the ego. The ego that was never there right from the beginning. And death that was not there either. If they have understood, that Jesus just as every other enlightened person and Master necessarily had to speak in a paradoxical language and if they have understood, that the ego and death have never existed, then they must have been blazingly intelligent in the most negative sense of the word.

Imagine, what this has led to.

Marx and Hegel must have been close to the solution. And unfortunately Marx was so close, that he came to the exact opposite solution, namely that the outer object must be redone, that the ego exists, etc. Marx was super-intelligent, he devoted most of his time life to provide the oppressed with a theoretical means of their emancipation and unfortunately, the result was millions of people incarcerated in communist countries, the struggle of the oppressed against the external objects.

And Einstein must also have been close to the solution and his result — as he just before his death deeply regretted and wanted to be able to redo if it had been possible — he gave the solution to the riddle of the atomic bomb, which now threatens to blow the very existence back to the original light, threatens to inflict infinite sufferings etc. And he did it in the best of intention too.

But Marx gave me 2-3 years of intense study of his (which he had borrowed from Hegel) dialectical logic in the preparation of "The CAPITAL" in the commodity analysis, this intelligent, but unfortunately difficult to understand, as now Marxists still quarreling because neither could Marx take up the necessary leap up to the thinking of paradoxical logic.

I started my quest with Marx, turned to psychoanalysis (Freud, Reich and later Jung), the men's movement, psychotherapy, AAO, and self-making groups and ended up with Bhagwan, where suddenly one day in Poona: 'Here is my home.'

And now, in theory and in computer, I have come home, a meditative peace I am more and more, I feel that now all the problems have disappeared except the trouble of getting the message out, but thankfully it is not a big problem, because I told my closest friends to pass it on, if I leave my physical body or even find it difficult to bring it to the world.

So my theoretical and experiential result paradoxically became the two most revolutionary people I have met in my life: Marx and Bhagwan in a paradoxical unity. Marx gave me the ability for the difficult way of thinking and Bhagwan gave me the love, the meditation and the theoretical insight with his intelligent PARADOXICAL GRIP of ART between thinking and experience. And the insight was created from the satori experience on Bhagwan's birthday in the peaceful morning hours' "waking sleep" in one moment, when the computer exploded after three weeks work, that it could not solve. And when it saw it, it saw the paradox of its own paradox. And now it understood it all.

next page:VIIB einfache und paradoxale Logik